Love. Life. And Death.

My two little hummingbirds. I will hang them in the morning on Mother’s Day. That will be a gift.

I heard the most beautiful stories today. Which made it a wonderful day.

I had lunch with friends after spending time at Artisphere, my town’s beautiful tribute to art. Truly, some of the pieces moved my friend Marsha and me to tears.

Yes, tears.

A friend shared a story from something he had read. Forgive me, Jim, if I get this wrong. This is my version now.

He said life is like a river.

We flow along, hitting rocks and obstacles, until eventually we come to the ocean’s edge. And at first, that edge brings so much fear. We fear getting lost in the vastness. We fear losing the life we have known.

We fear losing ourselves.

But what we have to remember is simple: we are all part of the same ocean. We always have been.

And maybe that is the most wonderful place to end up after this amazing thing called life.

I love the ocean.

I love walking beside it alone in the early morning hours, and I’m planning a trip very soon to spend time beside that vastness again. So many of us are drawn to the ocean. Perhaps because, in some quiet way, it teaches us both how to live and how to let go.

This same man — I call him “the village healer” because he is such an extraordinary person and doctor — also shared a thought about marriage and love that stayed with me. Again, it was something he had read somewhere.

He said when two people enter a marriage and continue growing into their own separate selves, the space between them is actually the entire point of marriage.

I bought two small pink ceramic hummingbirds today and will hang them in separate rooms, my living room and the adjacent hallway with one simple wall between them. They will remind me of that idea whenever I walk past them.

Funny enough, I think I finally understand marriage and committed love now.

I have only been married once in my life and it lasted 18 years. I know I did not yet have the maturity to fully understand what marriage was asking of me. I did not understand that growing separately while still choosing each other was part of the sacredness of it all.

It’s hard to explain exactly, but I finally understand the “why” of a holy union.

I really do.

Lately, I’ve been working hard to understand love and life and death, as I’ve faced many things that have caused me to question all three at once. And during all of this soul searching, I remembered a very significant loss I had tucked away for many years.

When I was in my early thirties, I lost a child when I was almost six months pregnant. I gave birth to a little girl I never got to hold or feed.

Her name was Sophie. And she was my first born.

Nearly forty years ago, people did not know how to help women grieve the loss of an unborn child. Doctors and friends encouraged you to move on. People said things like, “See this as a blessing. She was not meant to live. You can have more children.”

Few people acknowledged the depth of that grief.

There were no rituals, no funerals, no real space or even time to honor that tiny life.

I hope we’re doing better now.

Recently, I finally allowed myself the grace and time to truly grieve my daughter’s life. And what it taught me is this:

It doesn’t matter how long someone lives. What matters is how deeply they were loved.

If you are reading this, I love you madly.

Love is the answer. Love is the entire point of living.

And to my little girl I lost so many years ago I say this— just as I love my two now adult children, I love you more than words, and Sophie, I am finally placing you gently into the hands of of the vast and powerful ocean.

I know it is beautiful there.

Thank you, sweet Sophie, for showing me the way forward. Your little life mattered so very much.

OX,
Robbin, Also known as Mom to three amazing children, Nana to two, and… did I mention I have one more grandchild on the way?

Yes! My third little grandbaby is due in November on my next birthday. How very cool is that?

I cannot wait to meet you, my sweet little one.

You are already so deeply loved.

P.S. Did you know hummingbirds are a sign to let go of the past and embrace new opportunities. You simply can’t make this stuff up. I really do have a crush on this world we live in. Its all magic to me.